Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Biggest Fan Has Wings

"Jenni, your mom is gone."

I will never forget those words.  Especially since I have had to use them so much these past couple of weeks.  But even saying it so many times doesn't make it feel any more real. 

Isn't she beautiful?

I may have mentioned in previous posts that my mom had cancer.  She was diagnosed in November 2010 with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, which was a shock to anyone that knew her.  She was a non-smoker and had never been exposed to aesbestos or any of that fun stuff.  She was just that one person who was "struck by lightning," as her doctor put it.  But never once from that day did I ever think this disease would take her away from me.  And never once (that she voiced) did my mom have a negative attitude about her diagnosis.  She was an inspiration to me and all those around her.  She firmly believed that she would be healed by God and would grow older to see her grandchildren grow.  As did I.  I wasn't ready for her to go.  I never got to tell her good-bye.  And while she didn't get the earthly healing all of us would have preferred, she got the ultimate healing and finally met her Savior face-to-face.

My mom was by far my biggest fan (sorry sweetie, but you're no.2). Probably 75% of my fans and readers are because she put my stuff out there all the time. She promoted me as much as she could, even to her boss, which got me a couple of jobs doing event posters.  She was also one of my regular critics, but probably not in the way you're thinking.  I would run nearly all of my projects by her to get her opinion, which she would freely give, ha ha.  But she is the main reason I believe I am as creative as I am.  Whatever new venture, project, or life-path I took on, she always encouraged me, praised me, supported me.  The day I graduated college, I had to hold back tears during the whole ceremony because it was something WE had worked so hard together for, and something WE had wanted for so long.  And having her there a part of it meant the world to me.

Somewhere along the way, my mom became my best friend.  We talked nearly everyday, and if we didn't talk, we emailed.  We shopped, hung out, talked about guys & marriage, did most things girls do with their mothers, but it was different for us.  We were so alike, apart from appearances, but yet we were so different.  We knew each other's opinions before we even asked, but we still asked.  And our opinions were almost never the same.  She never understood my taste in interiors, nor I her's, and clothes were about the same--although we were kindred hippie spirits.  But for what we didn't agree on, we still got it.  We shared a love of George {Strait}, old houses, history, antiques, chick flicks and laughing.  I could really go on and on; I have been flooded with memories these past couple of weeks going through her things and packing up her home. 

As much as we are sad, we are celebrating too.  She told me so many times she didn't want her funeral to be sad, but a celebration because she was happy.  Or whatever a billion times happy would be.  So we celebrated her life, and we cried, but rejoiced too.  Her celebration was colored pink and purple, in honor of her two favorite organizations:  Mid-Coast Family Services & The Guardians of the Ribbon--South Texas Chapter.  And we had balloons.  She would have liked that.

A very good family friend told us that no doubt we would feel sadness each day, but we would also remember some moment, some detail everyday that would make us smile. And I think I have. But it got me thinking about all those moments in life that make us smile, and not just moments in time, but moments in space. I have so many moments in time that will stay with me always, but now I will have moments in space to look at and remember. So many things I am keeping of my mom's lived for nearly 10 years in the house I live in now. Kinda like she always belonged here. She loved this place and was happy to see my hubby and I love it as much.

Mom's portrait was displayed at the services and I had so many people tell me how much we look alike, which we already knew, ha ha, but these words began running through my mind: 
When I look in the mirror I see you.
Your eyes
Your hair
Your smile
Your nose.

But when I look in the mirror I see me
The daughter you created
The creative mind you fostered
The Godly woman you nurtured
The inner strength you helped groom.

I am you. 
You are forever a part of me.
I would not be me without you, 
And you live on through me.

But I still ache for you. 
My heart knows a piece is missing.
For my heart was formed from you.

Would that I could wish you back.
But to do so would tear your happiness away.
And I can't do that.

So shine on, my angel.
Until I see you again
and replace the missing piece.
I love you Mom.  And I miss you like crazy.

ta-ta for now...


  1. Jenni, this is so special and makes my heart hurt for you. You are obviously handling this in such a loving and bright way, which I admire. Keep doing what you're doing and know that she'll always be with you and live through you. XO


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